Dearezt readerz of The Uribistan Daily, the online-newzpaper of The Free anda EverYoung Republic of Uribistan! Our correspondent, the great Herrmann Finkelsteen, a djerman in Uribistan, wrote in our newzletter a sensational article about the tragical ending of Osama bin Laden. I try now to tranzlate thiz article in common Uribi english, because the gouvernment anda peoplez in Uribistan thinka that whole world have to know real circumstancez of the tragical dying of our arabian special guest in Uribistan. In thiz Uribi english version you will finda some lida new informationz, we received afta Herrmann F. wrote his article. Ofcourse thiz changes nothing at all. Here we go!
We hava informationz from inner circlez of our USA (Uribi Secret Agency), that today, early in the morning, Osama Bin Laden has been killed by an accident, just building togetha hiz own Billy-bookstorage rack from IKEA* (you can also hava look at the site of our friendz in Djermanistan, Terra Canaillo: Osama did some advertizing with Billy-bookcasez). It happened in hiz secret home in the Uribi Lowlandz. He lived her for about six yearz. It seems that the mighty Koranbookz, Koran anda commentariez, which he already put on the top of the bookstorage rack before completing it, were so heavy, that the whole Billy-bookcase broke togetha, the bookz anda the falling construction of the bookstorage rack caused a very severe skull fracture. He died immediately, so Dr. Habib Mas Yuk, pathologist from the Biological Institute for Cyberneticz in Hamasheyk. Dr. Habib Mas Yuk made the postmortem examination.
The branch office manager from our Hamasheyk IKEA shop (mister Buyuda Tchopp) was very shocked, afta he came to know what was happening with mister Bin Laden anda the Billy-bookcase. Some expertz (interior designerz, working in the Hamasheyk Institute for Furniture History, Alif Hapsa M.A. anda Chalila Kwamp, M.A., Architect) are strongly confident, that mister Bin Laden did not fix the crossing laths on the back of the Billy-bookstorage rack according to the specifationz written in the instructionz manual.
Uribi security forces are positioned in the neighbourhood of IKEA-shopz in Uribistan (we hava six of them!), because the gouvernment is worried about retaliatory measures of Al Quaida. There are good reasonz for thiz, because in Dschelalabad, at the border of Waziristan, already public burning of Billy-bookstorage racks was made spontaneously by a furious mob.
Meanwhile, anotha very bad information trickled through in the capital of Uribistan: His Holiness (anda my bastardbrotha - annotation of Marat Tchundyk Gundo, tranzlater) Murat Joy Tchundyk was NOT, as everybody in Uribastan was for sure, for an official journey in the Vatican (the beatification of pope John Paul II), even was NOT in India (to participate in the funeral of his colleague-guru Sai Baba), but he iwas brought back to Guantanamo! Yearz ago, he had a lida scholarship for an education-course in Guantanamo, given by renowned teacherz anda waterboarderz from the USA (here: United States of America).
It seems, we hava informationz from our Secret Mountain Service, CIA-functionaries burglarized in his house in the Uribi Highlandz, and brought him, afta giving him an injection with heavy psychiatric drugz, againzt his free will outside his beloved country! His family is deeply shocked. Selimara, the daughter of our beloved Uribi Holy Man, has to be cured in pediatric psychiatry.
Until now, the american gouvernment did not give any official statement to thiz inhuman act. In Hamasheyk, a co-working whistle-blower said to us, it has to do with the fact, our Holiness Murat Joy Tchundyk, conveyed to Bin Laden a job in the Hamasheyk IKEA-store!
Anda, thiz is very hot newz: togetha with Osama he abstracted this damned IKEA-bookstorage rack afta shop closing time. It was an infantile act of protest againzt the low-wage he earned for his hard work at IKEAs.
Until now, the IKEA headquarterz in Sweden did not react on the reproachez.
Anotha fact is, that Bin Ladens family retained mister Fagan, rainmaker from New York, to bring an action againzt IKEA: the right square wrench, designed to fix the crossing laths on the back, and normaly part of the delivery, was not supplied! One of Osamas wives told to Herrmann Finkelsteen, it was the firzt time, she heard him swearing. "What do you thinka?' the family Imam said to otha journalistz in Uribistan, 'He was swearing, in front of an IKEA-Billybookstorage rack, not fixed at all, full of Koranz. Ofcourse our Holy Book takes revenge. Immediately, absolutely!"
IKEA has to pay to Bin Ladens family in Uribistan, 10 millionz of Uribi$. The insurance company of the Bin Laden family, in Zürich (Switzerland), assumed that this will bring a very complicated court case for everybody. Firzt, it must be cleared Osama's dead is attributed by the Koranbookz or by the lacking of the square wrench. .
Meanwhile, every normal citizin of Uribistan is shocked, hearing Bin Laden lived for such a long time without problemz in Uribistan.
The workers in the Hamasheyk-IKEA store told us, mister Osama Bin Laden was always acting warmhearted and good-natured to the customerz. They forgive him, being not so skillful building up the exhibition pieces.
Herrmann Finkelsteen (traduct. Marat Tchundyk Gundo)
Well, Osama, RIP in Uribistan. Anda for our readerz in the whole worldz: good overstreamingz!
*IKEA: very big furniture-inperium from Sweden. Makes lotz of Billy-bookstorage racks.